30 Day Writing Challenge: Days 1-7

A friend of mine shared with me the Rebelle Society's 30 Day Writing Challenge last month as something I may be interested in. As our business relationship thus far as included my writing a blog article for her, this was quite fitting and a welcome task.  I have talked with her and others about my interest in writing, and my husband has only all too often heard my rants about wanting to disappear and live in a wooded glen, cozy in my stone cottage with books, paper, and pen. If only there wasn't that pertinent need for food, health care, and other various things that imprison us with the mossy green colored paper balls and chains, which we pretend to be happy to have.

I realized I had a rocky start, and attempt to blame my hectic schedule for the lapses. Granted August will be particularly heavy for me, I took heart in the FAQ's provided by the challenge - a reminder that we never have time.  "Does anyone really? Time is a funny and evasive bastard. It’s an illusion, it’s not something you’re supposed to have (or get), but something you ought to MAKE."

So I decided to up the ante. I will attempt to post each day my writings on this blog for the month of August.

First: To catch us up...

Day 1
I walked the streets, shimmering increasingly so from the growing damp. All was dark and silent aside from the steady pace of my own boots on the pavement, striding between areas of light and dark as I passed under the amber glow of street lamps.

Day 2-3: FAILED. (But not really, because I have not given up...)

Day 4
Drifting through life. I have no idea what I am doing. Then again, does anyone? Life is a journey. But I'm strapped in the plane and there's no turning back. Infancy, childhood, and those horribly awkward and stressful adolescent years all worked together, slowly guiding me to my seat. Then I put on my graduation robes, strapped on my seatbelt. I was ushered across a stage and directed to the exit. Assist yourself before helping those around you.In case of emergency, the minor under your seat can be used as a flotation device.
The take off is always the most thrilling. A plan is in motion. The plane is in motion. This may have been years in the making - course plans and itineraries drafted and redrafted. A dream continuously imagined and developing in ways never before anticipated. The kind of dream that sets the scene for an unpredictable and world shattering conclusion.
It started with excitement, as the turbines rumbled and the cabin shook and I was pressed into my seat with the weight of the future. But now I sit, strapped. Trapt. And I realize I am confined to the flight I booked to a destination that I only now come to understand was sorely misunderstood. What if it's not as I researched, planned, and imagined? Well, of course, how could it be?
Ding. The light is on. Where is the attendant? Where is the advisor? I think I need a drink...

Day 5 (Ugh, fail again).

Day 6
Time management is my biggest challenge within the challenge.
Mornings filled with anxiety and pressure of the day to come. Accidentally got a late start (today and everyday) and then feel the need to scurry about, tossing to-do lists, grocery bags, appointments, logging in hours of freelance work, walking the dogs, lesson planning, and running off to teach my evening class. What happened to looking forward, starting new projects and dreams, exploring and adventures? What happened to the hope of school - wondering where you will be next? What happens to curiosity, novelty and excitement?
Days are scattered and nights end too quickly. All to start again. If ignorance is bliss, what happens to the bliss when ignorance is gone?

(And yes, I currently count writing that intro and compiling all of this as my Day 7 :P )

Loose Lips Sink Ships: But Then, How Do I Call the Coast Guard?

I was thinking recently about secrets. We all have secrets, some more than others. This is neither good nor bad, simply a fact of life. Otherwise, it would be like a scene from the Invention of Lying. But the interesting part is the decision process. When and why do we make the decision about what should be a secret?

In observing the people around me and comparing with myself and others, I notice a plethora of differences in mannerisms, morals, values, and general perspectives. Namely there can sometimes be a vast difference in the social habits of people in regard to how much information they share. The tricky part about this is that, based on what we tend to do with our information, our decision is often affected (or possibly affected by) our expectations about what a social partner should do in return.

A conversation works thusly - I supply an utterance. You respond. I respond. We continue along merrily until time is up or we become tired. Within this pattern, if I provide a certain amount of information, generally I expect a somewhat equal amount in return. If I am a person who shares great amounts of information, I may begin to develop a vast array of ideas on why you are not contributing as I do. The reasons do not matter so much as the fact that I'm now in a position to question our interaction and possibly even our relationship.

So what would cause one to share more and another to share less? Certainly it could be the dreaded basic fact that the other does not wish to participate - you're just not that interesting. Please go away.  On the other hand, believe it or not, some people are simply not prone to sharing. It has little or nothing to do with their valuation on the friendship, but rather, the information.

I realized that I have been raised in the context of a certain sub-culture that values quantity over quality. [I'm only now beginning to realize the extent of this dynamic - keep an eye out for my memoir on that.] But as far as secrets go, this means that there must be a good, solid reason for me to keep a secret. I can keep them - this is not an issue of trustworthiness.  But, I generally require an explanation or a logical reason that said information needs to remain confidential. This is because if I were to interact with my family and close friends, or even any friends for that matter, I have been led to believe that a proportion of silence to communication is a signal that the interaction is unfavorable. When it comes to social relationships, the rule is "just keep talking." If you value the relationship, then you value their opinion. Even if you know it will be to the contrary or disagreeable. Yes, even if you know they will attempt to disarm you with largely uneducated "facts" until they are blue in the face. You bring it up anyway because the act of sharing is caring. If the other were to find out you are keeping information (in the case of awkward dead end conversations where one abruptly answers a question with "We don't need to talk about that") then the interrogator feels slighted and offended. We don't want that.

Here's where my world has been forced to expand. I used to be that angry interrogator. I'm sure sometimes I still am. Then I began to notice what sort of information was being kept either by myself, or in a case more prominently behind my discovery, was meant for me to keep from others. I can't know much about the information kept from me. But I noticed a trend in the information that someone told me to keep a secret. Many times it was not information that I felt needed to be secret, at least I saw no logical reason for it. In fact, the information was the type I would most promptly share - the type of things you would be proud of even if currently incomplete or in the air.  Then I realized that this person fears for themselves the uncertainty of these potentially great tidings. In a way, they were attempting to shield their information. It was about the information itself and not who it was shared (or not shared) with. The information may be promising new projects, potentially good results, possible life paths that had not yet solidified and this person simply did not want to open the door for either Negative Nancies, or Happy Harries. Allowing unnecessary negativity in would be simply that, unnecessary at this point. Too many sets of "Congratulations" would be hell to return if the news did not follow through. While there were no ships to sink in this case, it just seemed silly to discuss the idea of an iceberg emergency plan with no ship to sail. This person believed, and often rightly so, in the power of words and thoughts. By hoping for the best turn out, they wanted to shield the plan/event/news from potential bombardments of negativity, competition, jealousy, and even ill-founded joy. They wanted to continue living in neutrality until the news was confirmed. And that is their right.

I certainly can attest I have participated too long in too many conversations. Like with a child who continuously asks "why" from sun up to sun down - a few responses can be instructional, but after a time, you realize they were just trying to bait you for no reason at all. I'm sure we've all been sucked into arguments that found no resolution and only left each party more aggravated than when they went in. We've often found out "TMI!" about people in our lives that is now permanently and utterly seared into our brains. These are the risks I take as a sharer, and these are the risks others avoid in selectivity. But our intentions are generally good either way. I share to show pride, interest or concern about information. Others keep secrets because of pride, interest, or concern about the information. Things to remember the next time you sit with a dubiously silent comrade.

Live the Life You Like

Ever enjoy a random morning watching reruns of that show you enjoyed all throughout your most developmental years, and find yourself noticing things now that you are watching with a very different perspective?  For me, Gilmore Girls has always been one of those key shows.  I used to watch with my mom, our relationship reminiscent of the closeness and friend-like air that exists in the dynamic between Loralei and Rory.  While I did grow up with both parents, and a younger brother, there was still much that we could relate to. Additionally, neither of my parents went to college the traditional way. My mother has just now completed her Bachelor's (Congrats, Mom!) after years dedicating herself to part-time jobs and Stepford-like duties while my father worked full-time and went to night school.  Once I was old enough, she began working full-time herself, still balancing the cooking, cleaning, and various tasks for the entire family and our pets.
My point is that, as their eldest child and the eldest grandchild on either side, I had quite the set of expectations - or at least hopes - to live up to. My parents, and grandparents, saw in me the American dream at the thought of my going away to college, living on campus and discovering myself with the aid of scholarships. And I saw in myself the image of Rory every time I watched Gilmore Girls. I read for college level creative writing courses during high school, while my mother would read People magazine. I would daydream about my future, high-power career in all its glory while my mom dreamt of the same.

In reality, college came and went as I graduated from one of the best universities in the state with my Bachelor's in English. I followed Rory's similar development on her path to journalism with a passion for literature and writing. However, I did not participate in the university newspaper and was unable to land that idealized publishing career. I found odd jobs after returning home and realized I wasn't sure what to do with myself. I discovered linguistics and lucked into an assistantship at the local university, spending the subsequent two years finishing my Master's. Still - no luck. No full time work but only a brief stint working for near minimum wage (yes, with a Master's) at Barnes and Noble, and picking up hours here and there teaching ESL courses. I decided the market is competitive and set out to do whatever it took for a 9-5 job and enrolled in a second Bachelor's for Computer Science. This did help, and I found a job willing to train me in SEO. Great office, great people, great opportunity, great pay.

Odd thing - my first week on the job my side job (perfectly suited to my background in English and Language studies) offers me a significant jump in hours. What was a once a month consulting phone call turned into weekly contracted hours, freelance style. What do I do?? Steady, stable, good pay at a trusted company as most dream of - the same that has been planned and plotted for me since birth behind door one. Unsteady, unreliable opportunity for linguistics work, that I can do from the comfort of home, for a higher rate per hour, with an even more well-known company behind door number two. Classic follow your heart or your wallet situation.

This year has been a whirlwind to say the least. I feel that I have been on a merry-go-round between finishing my Master's, getting married, traveling to Europe, balancing 3-4 part time jobs at once, switching back to two jobs and a Bachelor's in Computer Science, withdrawing in favor of the idolized 9-5 office career, and then leaving it all behind to freelance from home in developing materials for language education. So much for falling into the plan. But then, this morning I found myself watching reruns yet again of my beloved Gilmore Girls.

I watched with new eyes as Rory couldn't keep up with the curriculum her grandfather had taken at Yale. She was deterred from school by a runaway romance with a smooth-talking young man. She got mixed up in complete misunderstandings resulting in court ordered community service and suspension from college. She managed to find her way back into Journalism but distressed at the idea that her contacts got her the job and not her merit. She wavered back and forth constantly on what to do with her life.  And I realized, now more than ever, I am still Rory.  Nothing is perfect. There is no perfect. There is life. Life happens. And a great family will love you no matter what path you chose as long as you are happy and healthy. You can like the life you're living, or you can live the life you like. And I am living the life I like.

Mom and I in my college apartment

DIY Recycling: Beer Bottle Landscaping

So this last few months has been rather busy and hectic, but also extremely productive!  I have shifted from no job, to four jobs, back down to three great opportunities that provided valuable experience related to my degree.  I am still pursuing Computer classes, this time as a full time student back at my college.  Go big or go home, right?

And in the midst of it all, I have managed to not entirely neglect my house.  We have been meaning to fix up the backyard for a while.  However, being the backyard, we can't find it in us to splurge on money for landscaping.  Those rock wall borders, or even the logs can be quite pricey when we talk about enough to frame out an area.  I have been following a lot of facebook groups on Off the Grid living, or Sustainable living and brainstormed some excellent ideas.  We finally decided on using our beer bottles to build a border, which we can then fill in with mulch.  Between us, our friends, and our room-mates (all being about in our 20s), I found we go through a surprising amount of beer.  Well, I suppose I am TheCraftBrewMrs after all.  So we decided, instead of self-shaming over our indulgences at the end of the week, we will turn it into something very useful. We put out a proclamation to reserve all dark colored beer bottles.  Shortly after, I saw a shelf in the garage fill up with bottle after bottle and several weeks (and one house party) later, we had our materials!

So rather than a random tree in the middle of sandy dirt and patches of grass, we have a nicely edged focal point. I even added some lovely "chicken gizzards" as I've been told they are called from my friends' nursery, and a handful of white snapdragon flowers.  I am hoping to go back over them and put a dab of glue between the bottles to keep them all upright. They are pretty sturdy on average but once in a while the dogs try to jump into the flower bed and kick one.  As for the future, we have continued collecting and hope to tackle the papaya tree next!  

Under the Spell of InstaTweetBook

So I've finally made my rounds on the social media train. While still unsure exactly about where I'll go with my career, or life for that matter, I realized that not only has the internet become increasingly important for making connects. It is in fact necessary.  In the beginning I was always late to the game, at times cringing at the ability of facebook to promote an unwanted enhanced knowledge of my family's religious and political thoughts or for making me feel the need to spy on middle school classmates.

But in fact, I've grown to really love each of these sites for their various purposes.  Instagram, revolving around photos, is certainly still a program I use for close friends, but my Facebook, google+, blogger, and LinkedIn have grown increasingly focused on expert articles, fitness blogs, joining intellectual groups, and my favorite authors.  There's nothing better than having a PhD candidate read your term paper or seeing a personally reply from your favorite author on a comment you posted.

Thus far it seems most of this talk has been about the personal tendencies of social networking. To emphasize it's more than that, think about how lately the job market has dwindled.  One of the complaints that job seekers, including myself at times, had was that the personal interaction has been taken from the search.  "I would have gotten a call back if I had a face-to-face interview!" some cry.  However, I believe this system can also provide more opportunities in wake of the ones that were taken.  What it comes down to is not limited opportunities, b
ut a change in nature moving into a world we shouldn't be afraid of.  So update those profiles and share your projects, work, and interests.  Just don't underestimate the power of the internet to destroy, but don't undermine it's ability to create.

Just like the magic we do to build a connection with the divine, to commune with like minded people, to feel attached to the lives we live and the natural world we are in, the internet has evolved to meet some of human's most basic needs.  Social networking provides the invisible web of links trying us to people and places we would never otherwise have access to.  And just like in magic, we would do well to keep protection in mind by guarding some of our personal details, and remain always vigilant about what our intent truly is and even take care to note what the intent of others who see our information may be. To know, to dare, to will, to be silent.  These are the rules we are taught for using the power we have, in whatever form that power may come.

Full Moon Mania

So now that I am getting a little bit more settled - unpacked, cleaned, started some part time work, in the midst of my online classes, and starting a new educational technology blog....I can finally start getting back into my magical groove as well.  I've certainly been missing it, hardly even feeling like a witch. Afterall, as they all say, it's a way of life.  I made it back to my class to participate in my year and a day ceremony.

But more importantly on that front, I managed to get my etsy shop open and listed an item or two from my wedding (with more to come!). It's a good start to have a few items listed but as I've discussed in previous posts, my end goal was to make homemade soy candles for household magic and general decorations alike.  Usually I am morbidly unprepared for the various holidays and cycles. Short of stopping by a CUUPS ceremony, I don't generally have the items or ritual prepared for my own solitary work, and each time I watch a sabbat or esbat come and go with not much more than a meditation.  Sad, I know.

But alas!  I opened my planner, saw that beautiful and exciting white circle indicating a full moon.  I had some work to complete and dinner to make/eat with the husband but I got it all done and sent him off to bed. I stayed up, prepped my jars, cleansed them with the elements and a small chant (after starting with a very thorough physical cleaning, of course).  As I was using glass jars I emptied and cleaned from my own items I wanted to make sure the essence of pasta was not lingering and muddling up our intents here.  I melted a big batch of soy wax, added lilac scent for a light, heavenly sense, and finally covered the top (didn't wan't bugs in my fresh wax) and left the candles out to bask in the full moon glow overnight.  I finally have full moon candles ready to be decorated and listed on my site - so keep an eye out!  If we can get this kicked off, I may find more types of containers online and try to keep a steady and consistent design going.

But guess what, that's not all!  I found a simple, quick full moon spell in my witch's almanac for Monday and was able to do before getting ready for bed. The husband even decided to join in, and he's normally a little intimidated about actually doing spells as opposed to just celebrating sabbats in a group ritual.  This one involved only paper, pen, and some water. We wrote a wish for ourselves on the paper, said a chant provided by the almanac, and tossed our wishes into the water while sitting on the porch under the moon.  I must say, I'm rather proud of my full moon participation this time around. As a solitary, it's usually pretty hard to make sure I don't have work/school/family/friends preventing me from setting time aside. But I believe the secret will be preparation ahead of time, and finding quick simply things to do alone (or with a loved one!) to remind us of the special events that continue around us, with or without our noticing.

Ready to Meet the Mrs.?

So the day has come! (and gone..) I am a married woman now and that still feels like just a line in a script to me.  But I'm sure eventually it will be natural....or I'll still be calling him my boyfriend in five years.  Either way, the chaos of graduation and the wedding has come and gone and I am now struggling to return to reality after a great European honeymoon to Rome and Paris.

It's strange, because as happy as I am to settle back down and relax in my home with my boy(husband)friend, I have to now face the issues that come with being a recent grad.  That means - essentially jobless. My new legally attached other half keeps trying to remind me that I do have a job, and do plenty of work around the house (the same arguments moms have been making for themselves for years). However without a bun in the oven or any related situation, I can't accept that as a valid description of my day. Sure I clean and got unpacked and filled the fridge back up, preparing full meals when he gets home and catching the dogs up with the vet and heartgard.  I suppose there's also that online program for web design I just started. But with one course at a time, a "job" that still keeps me in the house all day, I am nearing a severe cabin fever.  Not to mention - WAY too hot to go running anymore, even after dark.

Hopefully something will turn up. I'll keep scourging indeed.com and various sources during the day for work.  I may even revert to my high school self and simply make rounds at the local mall for something in the mean time.  For now, I am trying to focus on my web program and take advantage of any extra resources and projects that come with it. I hope everyone likes my new blog banner, courtesy of my new Adobe CS suite and mandatory practice with Photoshop.  I'll also be listing items on my etsy shop from the wedding. So if anyone would like some conversation pieces for an event, my crafty projects can be found there.  I will post the address to my links page.

I hope an employer turns up soon, ready to meet the Mrs. me.  Because until I'm an established, working adult, I'm still not sure I believe it!

Hand-fasting

Jumping the Broom